Winter 2023

W hat? You’ve never given your four-legged family a performance review? I admit, I hadn’t either. Never considered it until I read about a dog mom who subjected her fur baby to an annual performance assessment. The lady held no punches, reminding her pooch that “he’s been eating things he should only be sniffing.”Then explained that, when he applied for this role in her household, “his resume claimed he was a retriever, but he had yet to retrieve anything, preferring to steal things without returning them.” And finally, when accompanying his dog mom to work, “he’s been sniffing butts and licking faces of other office personnel. Not acceptable in the workplace!” As I write this, Winnie gives me the stink eye, clearly of the opinion that any canine worth his tongue and snout should be able to lick faces and sniff butts without getting HR involved. But Winifred’s not finished. Her paw upside my head can only be interpreted as questioning the flip side of this performance review coin.What’s good for the goose… Damn. Should have thought of that before going down this rabbit hole.What about Winifred’s annual performance evalua- tion of moi? Has my performance measured up to her expec- tations? How well have I fulfilled Winifred’s wants and needs when it comes to the most critical areas of our life together: play time; food time; lap and nap time; pee, poop and walk time. PlayTime: No denying our ball play has declined of late. I only need glance at the basket of tennis balls in my office and Winifred is howling, pawing my pants, and crashing out her doggy door. Stumbling behind, I throw the ball andWinifred gal- lops after, but at 13 years of age, she has less interest in bringing it back. And I can only throw and retrieve so many balls before this old dog is too pooped to play. Performance grade: C FoodTime:Winifred and I have never reached an agreement as to why she has to eat boring healthy food while I get to whip up less healthy really scrumptious stuff. And when it comes to dining alfresco, I do not think we will ever come to a meeting of minds or mouths. My idea of yummy street food is street tacos. Winnie’s idea is whatever is in the street. Performance grade: D Nap and Lap Time: I thinkWinnie would agree that my per- formance has been beyond reproach! My morning laptop time is Winnie’s first lap nap time. A tongue in my ear and she has me on the couch for a midday snooze. Reading a book in the afternoon on our deck chaise lounge is an invitation for Winifred to replace the book in my lap with her tail and a nap. Works for me. Performance grade: A Pee, Poop and Walk Time: In case you haven’t already figure this out, you do not take your dog for a walk. It is your dog that takes you! Who leads the way, you or your pooch?Who has to pee and poop? I fully admit that Winifred takes me for a walk three times a day, whether I have to poop or not! The question is, am I a congenial walking companion or an oblivious primate more interested in the text on my smart- phone than what my furry little girl is up to? No, I do not need to stop and sniff every five feet, but this is a Winnie walk, so I let her decide what sights, sounds and smells draw her interest and investigation. She can saunter, sashay and sniff to her heart’s content.Watching her, I find myself morphing into still- ness and smiling in remembrance of a quote from that leg- endary golfer and bon vivant,Walter Hagen: “You’re only here for a short visit. Don’t hurry, don’t worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.” The older I get, the more I am happy to let Winifred show me the way. Performance grade: Winnie will keep me for another year. A screenwriter and best-selling golf humorist in a previous life, Mark Oman forsook his golf addiction and took up with Winifred, co-author of their screenplay, “Murder, Misfits and Mutts!” Mark and Winnie live in Carmel with four-legged little sister, Molly, and two-legged wife, Barbara. Contact Winifred (or Mark) at: mark@markoman.com . DOG TALES M A R K O M A N My idea of yummy street food is street tacos.Winnie’s idea is whatever is in the street. Ready for Your Dog’s Annual Performance Review? 54 C A R M E L M A G A Z I N E • W I N T E R 2 0 2 3