Fall 2023

T horeau said, “The Language of friendship is not words, but meanings. It is an intelligence above language.” I suggest humans have a lot to learn from the way our dogs have mastered “the language of friendship.” Particularly the “not words, but meanings” part. Dogs do not need our words to understand our meanings. They read the tone of our voice, the anger, affection, pain, heartbreak and duplicity—the intent behind the words. Hearing our dogs talk would only diminish their most endear- ing language of friendship: body language—eyes, ears, nose, paws and tail telling us everything we need to know. Hard to misinterpret the meaning of Winifred’s paw punching the back of my knee at the kitchen counter when she wants more of my break- fast, or the tongue in my ear when she needs more personal nap time with me. According to Andy Rooney, “If dogs could talk, it would take the fun out of owning one.” Winifred and I suggest there is a bit more to it than that. If dogs could talk…what would they say about us? In “Guardians of Being,” Eckhart Tolle writes “An animal has no opinion about itself.” Do we really want to know our dog’s opinion of us? If dogs could talk…who would listen to you babble endless- ly? Our dogs give us the greatest gift of listening. “Dogs never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself and keep up an appearance of being interested in the conversation,” says Jerome K. Jerome. (How many friends, rel- atives or spouses do that?) If dogs could talk…we couldn’t put words in their mouths. (To which I am a serial offender!) I know that Winifred is often dazed and confused by my primate logic. Particularly when it comes to food. Specifically, my devouring a bag of Cheetos while Winnie takes me on my afternoon walk. Winnie’s stink-eye at my orange crusted fingers is almost as unnerving as that of the two-legged woman in my life. (But unlike Barbara, at least Winifred and I can have an intel- ligent conversation about it.) “I do not share the Cheetos because they are not good for dogs,” I say to her (Winifred, not Barbara). “So, what you’re saying is that Cheetos are bad for dogs but good for humans,” counters Winnie with a snide smile. “Actually Cheetos are not particularly good for humans either, but if we put junk food in our bodies it’s okay as long as we do it in moderation.” “Moderation! PULEEZE!” recoils Winnie, ears erect, eyes aghast.“You’ve never seen me inhale a bag of Hawaiian Sweet Maui Onion Potato Chips in one glutinous gorge!” She had me there. But she wasn’t finished. “So, let me get this straight. While you eat yummy junk food that’s bad for you, I have to eat the same boring healthy food day after day. Right?” “Well…Yeah,” I mumble, stuffing another Cheeto in my yap. “If the food you feed me is so good for me with all the healthy ingredients, then why don’t you eat it too?” “Uhhh…”While I’m vamping,Winnie goes for the knockout. “How ‘bout I eat your yummy bad food—in moderation—and you can eat all my boring healthy stuff. Deal?” Defeated, I wave the white flag—in this case, the bag of Cheetos. I pull a single long thick orange coated Cheeto from the bag and offer it to Winnie. She sniffs, takes a lick of my sticky orange fingers…gives me the stink-eye, and heads for a nose full of old bird poop. Which only proves that if dogs could talk…they would no longer be man’s best friend. They’d be his least favorite con- science mouthpiece. A screenwriter and best-selling golf humorist in a previous life, Mark Oman forsook his golf addiction and took up with Winifred, co-author of their screenplay, “Murder, Misfits and Mutts!” Mark and Winnie live in Carmel with four-legged little sister, Molly, and two-legged wife, Barbara. Contact Winifred (or Mark) at: mark@markoman.com . DOG TALES M A R K O M A N If dogs could talk… we couldn’t put words in their mouths. (To which I am a serial offender!) I know that Winifred is often dazed and confused by my primate logic. If Dogs Could Talk… 50 C A R M E L M A G A Z I N E • F A L L 2 0 2 3